It’s weird. As much as my social anxiety sometimes seems to rule my life, one of my favourite things is to give speeches at weddings. I love weddings. That’s why I ended up working for an event rental company so I can be a part of the wedding-magic process (even if it is just cleaning up the shmaggy bedsheets after the wedding night).
Usually, I sit contentedly watching the bride and groom celebrate their new union and then when I get enough cheap wine into me, I steal the mic from the MC and give an impromptu speech that makes no sense, but my embellished body language makes people laugh, so it’s a win.
However, sometimes, people ask me to write a speech for their celebration and then as soon as I start talking, they immediately regret that decision.
Here’s the speech I gave at my brother’s wedding.
. . .
Once upon a time, in a land called Ferchette’s Place, my brother Dustin, at the ripe age of 8 years old, got his bulbous cranium lodged tightly into a snow tunnel.
Neurotic stress case that I am, I assumed the hard-packed snow above him would give way, crushing his adorable yet enormous face. In a last-ditch effort to save my brother, I began screaming and crying and dramatically falling to my knees, asking the Gods to spare his life.
Ashley was there; she too was crying…tears of laughter as her dad grasped Dustin by the ankles and firmly but swiftly pulled him to safety.
Equally heroic as my part in the snow tunnel incident, Dustin once saved me from a room full of unpleasant-smelling hippies and a mushroom trip gone terribly wrong. So, I think it’s pretty safe to say that as far as brother/sister duos go, we’ve always had each other’s back.
Likewise, Ashely has been in our lives since nearly the beginning of time.
So you’d think I would have caught on immediately when the sparks of love began to float between my friend of 20 years and my brother.
Yes, you’d think that, wouldn’t you?
Ashley was living in my basement at the time because, well, everyone in the universe has lived in mine and Jamie’s basement at one point or another.
One particular evening Dustin was over, and we were having a few drinks in the backyard. It was weird because Dustin had been visiting me a lot more lately, and I couldn’t figure out why.
Maybe he suddenly realized how incredible and inspiring his big sis was.
It was around the time when we were going way overboard with our Ron Burgundy impersonations when it occurred to me that something funny was going on. Maybe it was the way Dustin gazed at Ashely as he wailed, “And you ate the whole wheel of cheese?” or possibly the years of subliminal messaging had finally caught up to me, but there was a palpable feeling that something else was going on here.
And then I saw it — the inevitable hand on the leg under the patio table move.
“Umm, what is happening here?” I asked.
“Linds, don’t make a big deal of it,” Dustin said as though I would make a big deal of something like that. Pfft.
“Oh no, no big deal. You guys are just, like, an item now, and you couldn’t even bother to tell me. No big dealio at all.” I dashed to the kitchen to pour myself a cool-down drink. Dustin, being the loyal brother he is, followed.
He said something along these lines, “Look, Linds, I’ve liked Ashley for a long time. She’s an awesome girl, and I want to get to know her better. So, can you please stop making this fucking weird for us?”
And I was forced to see his point.
Since then, I have been honoured to watch these two bring a little boy named Jackson into this world and become a family. My brother Dustin and my best friend of twenty-something years.
Ash probably knows the exact number because she’s the sweet and sentimental one of the two of us, which is just one of a thousand reasons why I will always love her.
And now, I will list all one thousand reasons why I love Ashley!
(pause)
Ha! Had you scared there for a second, didn’t I?
I am lucky, though; my brother has just married my best friend. It is a pretty, awe-inspiring thing to say aloud. Who is that fortunate? Not only do I get to witness one of the most important days of my little brother’s life, but we, as the Sawyer family, are privileged enough to welcome this remarkable woman into our tribe.
Ash, I am reminded of something your beautiful mother continually taught us as kids, “Don’t dream it, be it,” and you and Dustin are beautiful examples of this. You take life and make it happen; you are a team bound by respect, love, and a weird and wonderful obsession with the 2004 box office hit, Anchorman — The Legend of Ron Burgundy.
Now, I’d sing you guys a song of good fortune or do some sort of interpretive dance to depict the everlasting secrets of a happy marriage, but my stage performance just isn’t what it used to be.
So in lieu of extravagant recital, I shall end with one anonymous quote I found on the internet 5 minutes ago:
“Don’t make love by the garden gate; love is blind, but the neighbours ain’t.”
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This post was previously published on it’s just foam.
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